There was this girl I knew. Nice girl, very smart, and kind to others; her mom taught her that.
This girl had a great, positive attitude every time she was out. Asked how others were doing and really cared that they were doing well, that they were loving what they were doing, and happy with their lives.
She had a great sense of humor. Could make a joke off nothing and everyone would laugh. She could ease up a tense conversation or create a good conversation out of silence. She was comfortable around other people. She loved other people.
With her close friends she would share a lot. Who she had a crush on, secrets that she wouldn’t dare tell the masses, her big dreams and goals. Inside jokes were their thing. They all used them for greetings and salutations. It was nice; really made her feel like they connected. They kept her sane, kept her company. She loved her close friends.
Her family, she adored. If she needed a big cry, which she didn’t cry much, they were there to listen. She was never sure if they really understood, but it didn’t matter – they were family! They would sit around and talk about work, what other relatives were up to, and the good ol’ days. It really grounded her. Reminded her where she came from, she was proud of it. She really, really loved her family.
—
When she was a little girl in elementary school, she struggled. Struggled with her thoughts and where she fit in exactly. Starting at a young age, she knew she didn’t belong. She knew she was different from the other people around her. Was it the clothes she wore, the games she played on the playground, or the way she cut her hair? Was it the way she talked, the way her teeth looked, or the fact that she didn’t really stand out?
In high school, she was the same, but more mature. She knew what to say that would make others happy and what not to say to keep the peace. She knew if she kept the attitude that she didn’t really care then no one else would either. To her, someone looking past her was safer than her looking like an outcast. So she stayed in her lane – well, the safe lane.
She didn’t know what she was missing, but she knew it was something. Maybe college and going into the real world would change all of that, she thought.
It didn’t really. She joined this club and that club, had this job and that job, kept herself busy so she didn’t have time to worry about her worries. Her own self was the last thing she would worry about. She was too TOO busy worrying about the others around her.
She wondered, “Is this what life is? Being handed a map that says ‘Go from point A to point B and eventually…you’ll end up…somewhere! It may not be very exciting or adventurous, but life is an adventure anyway! And most importantly – you will be safe.’” She sat there replaying the past in her head like a movie. She was on the edge of her seat but felt more like the edge of a cliff. Standing alone at the top, she could see the danger below – rocky waves, jagged rocks, the sharks circling just waiting for her to join them. She knew it would be the end if she did. But something in her said “even if you don’t jump, you will still surely die up here”.
So the girl jumped.
That girl was me.
—
You can’t go back and change the beginning, you know for a fact what will happen in the end, but the place inbetween all depends on YOU. Don’t live life in a cage. Don’t live life standing on the edge. Don’t live life following other people’s road maps. Live life jumping into the unknown, regardless of the consequences and if you have the opportunity, take that chance over and over and over again.
You’ll be ok, I promise.
Shay