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I watched something on YouTube yesterday that I really DID NOT want to watch…a video on relationships.
You know the ones, with the title “This KEEPS 90% of People Single! (BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES!)”- That was the literal title.
I scrolled down the page to look at other videos I might want to watch.
DESTROY BAD HABITS
STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE
HOW TO MANIFEST
Etc. etc.
None of them really caught my interest. I wanted something new and interesting to me and although, I’m sure those videos would have something new to learn, it felt like the same things I had been learning before.
So I clicked on the “relationships” video.
I guess I’ve never wanted to watch these videos because it might come across as “needy” or seem that I don’t know how to be in a relationship or I’m not worthy of one.
Even in the comfort of my own home by myself I felt this way! Or maybe someone would sneak into my YouTube history and find out!
Who volunteers to clear my YouTube history if something happens to me?? (Jk. There’s not much. Just a lot of Parks and Recs bloopers)
Anyway, I started watching the video with Matthew Hussey, dating and relationship expert.
I won’t get into the details of the video, but I will share one thing that stuck out to me amongst all of the 90 MINUTES… yeah… 90 minutes haha
Being good at relationships is a SKILL.
That’s right. We are not born with the skill of being in relationships – romantic or platonic – building them, growing them, keeping them healthy.
We usually, like anything else, see how our parents were in relationships, how they communicated and continue that cycle and those techniques. Just like we would with how to eat, how to love ourselves, how to manage our finances, and yes, even being in relationships.
We have to learn these skills. Ones that will allow us to thrive in relationships.
If you notice someone you have a relationship with isn’t acting how they normally do and ask them about, THAT is a SKILL.
Not noticing that they are acting out of sorts is a lack of skill. And if you notice and don’t say anything at all, that is also a lack of skill.
And it’s so interesting because if we are in close relation to these people, why wouldn’t we ask questions and seek to find more answers? We care about them, right?!
Well, here’s why…it’s, like, really scary.
Maybe they’re upset with you and if you ask or say something, it might actually be criticism about you. Maybe they’ll say something you don’t want to hear. Maybe the conversation is about something you’re not ready to talk about. So you ignore it.
While these conversations and frightening feelings may be too emotionally charged and that’s why we ignore them, all of these heightened emotions can slowly lose their power by INCREASING skill in that area.
When I started stand up, I was SCARED. Like, so scared that even if I had looked at my jokes right before going on stage, my mind would blank right after the opener (or even in the middle of the opener!).
But since then to now, I have built up skill in that area and, while still scary, it is not AS scary anymore.
This is the SAME with relationships. And it’s not only relationships with other people, but working on the relationship you have with YOURSELF.
Are we being honest with ourselves? Are we seeking to find out why certain emotions and feelings come up? Are we willing to build that skill of getting to know ourselves?
I’ve been very lucky over the past 2 years of having a lot of time to myself, as well as going to therapy. It has helped me understand myself more, why I make decisions, and being able to manage my emotions and feelings that have been with me, unnoticed or ignored, for years.
I am also extremely lucky that I have a few people in my life who are also striving to be their best selves, including in relationships. Hard conversations have been had and understood and through that we have both grown immensely.
Hard conversations become easier when they are welcomed.
Constructive criticism is heard when someone is open to it.
Even if we do not have people in our lives who welcome hard conversations or constructive criticism, when we start becoming better skilled in relationships, the people either have to rise up to our standards in the relationship or that relationship will soon dissolve.
And maybe the scariest part of this may not even be the actual conversation. It’s the change that COULD come with it.
Having a conversation with your partner who is not happy could turn into a break up. Constructive criticism towards a friend could cause a meltdown and separation. Well, what do you do now?
You keep living. You keep growing on your own. You trust that you did all you could. You stepped up to the plate, took a swing, and it didn’t connect.
What happens now? Well, you wait for your next at bat. Or you prepare for the next game or the next season.
My point is, the world doesn’t burst into flames or break into 1 million pieces.
And I have to admit, I’ve been practicing personal development for over 7 years and I don’t remember reading any books on personal development in relationships.
Over that time, I have had a lot of fun focusing on my work and leveling up, career-wise, but I want to live my life to the fullest, be RICH in ALL areas – one of those areas being relationships. An area I’ve been scared to explore. An area I’ve been hurt in before. An area that has, honestly, jaded me.
If it’s been a while for you creating new relationships, or leveling up in your current relationships, it’s time to build our relationship skills, step up to the plate again and take a swing.
Yes, you could strike out. But you could also hit a home run 😉
“Without knowledge, skill cannot be focused. Without skill, strength cannot be brought to bear and without strength, knowledge may not be applied.”
Alexander the Great
What are your thoughts? What skills do you want to improve in your relationships?
Feel free to leave a comment and share with me!
Talk to you next week…
Shay ♥️
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P.S. A brand new episode of Level Up! With Shay was released yesterday! I interviewed comedian and LGBTQ advocate, Kia Barnes, who shared her story of how she persevered through years of discrimination in college and as a teacher, how she created an environment for LGBTQ visibility, and how she continues to walk steady in her purpose. Listen here!
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