You Need Cut Out of Your Life These 3 Things

Hey Level Uppers!

Hope you’re doing well today and ready to read about the things that we sometimes do (oh, humans) that stop us from growing, learning, and feeling good!

I don’t want to pat myself on the back but…I must admit I have had a pretty level head recently. Surprise! I can probably salute that to my meditation and journaling practice. It has really taught me to know my worth, where my energy is best spent, and how to keep a thick skin through uncertain times. Three of the major areas of my life that I have cut out have been judgement, gossip, and negative self-talk. Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect or have been perfect or will be perfect. As much as I’d like to admit that I don’t judge people, gossip, or talk to myself negatively – I do. But being more mindful lately has helped me stop and think before I take a possibly hurtful action towards someone else, or maybe more importantly, to myself!

Judgement

This stuff is ALL AROUND (not the best in LA either). It isn’t just about how attractive a person is or what clothes they’re wearing. This could be judgement regarding someone’s job, someone’s music they listen to, how they dance, how they show up on their social media, how they talk, what their dreams and goals are (or aren’t!). Sometimes it is pretty obvious judgement, but a lot of times it is not as clear.

I see this with celebrities and artists a lot. They get judged SO MUCH. People think it doesn’t hurt them because they think all that money they have is protection. WRONG. I remember Billie Eilish getting reamed for wearing her baggy clothes (and still does). People questioned her “Why do you wear baggy clothes? Are you not happy with your body? Do you not love yourself? Those clothes are ugly!” The truth probably is…she just likes wearing those friggin clothes! Who does that affect – negatively or positively? Expressing herself through what she wears is very positive towards others who want to express themselves as well! Whether it’s with baggy clothes or something else! As far as it negatively impacting anyone? No one. It negatively impacts no one. Most of the time people judge others expressions because they aren’t able to express themselves how they want to for whatever reason.

How about now, in COVID? When you walk down the street and you see someone not wearing a mask, what do you do? Do you give them dirty looks (with your eyes)? Do you say something? Do you think “wow that person doesn’t care about ANYONE ELSE!!”? Whether you agree with wearing a mask or not and you are taking the time out to think about that person not wearing a mask, that is judgement. And I get it, it’s hard not to judge people when stakes are so high and lives are at risk! But you need to decide what you’re going to use your energy towards. I’d rather enjoy the beautiful day than spend a second judging someone.

I want to make a disclaimer that this does not mean you should ignore problems. If someone is an immediate threat to someone else and you have the ability to step in, do it. But don’t do it if you will feel worse after the interaction or no action can or should be taken.

My best advice – stop worrying about what other people are doing and focus on yourself.

Gossip

This has been a hard one for me in the past. I sometimes talk to some close friends about how another person I know is not treating me how I want and expect to be treated. Is that gossip? Just talking about someone else no matter what the subject? Actually, no. (Sometimes just bringing someone else’s name into a conversation and not praising them has made me think I’m a “bad person” who gossips. Have you had this confusion as well or am I the only one?)

Gossip is a “idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others” (Source). Gossip usually starts out with “Did you hear…?” “Oh my god can you believe…?” etc. I can honestly say I’ve never had a conversation which included gossip where I felt better after having it. If you are focused on other people’s events in their lives, that probably means you don’t have much to talk about in yours! In other words, get a life!

There are so many more things to talk about than someone else. And just because you started the conversation doesn’t mean you can’t stop it! I remember multiple occasions where I would be talking with a close friend, starting to gossip, and then step back and say “Actually I don’t want to say what I was about to say. Never-mind.” or in the middle of the gossip “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, let’s change the conversation”. And you know what? Sometimes it’s a clunky transition or a slightly awkward silence, but when I get that feeling in my stomach that I need to stop talking (and that’s what I feel every time), I know it’s better to cut the conversation off than to keep going with my word vomit.

My best advice – when you feel the gossip word vomit coming on, ask yourself, “Will I feel good saying this?”.

Negative self-talk

I have been REALLY focused in on my self-talk lately. Every time a negative thought comes into my head – “I can’t do this” “Who am I to put this out there?” “They’re going to think I’m trying too hard,” I immediately combat it with STRONG and POSITIVE self-talk. It’s like if I was whining to myself in the mirror and the mirror talked back to me “YOU CAN DO THIS!” “YOU ARE SHAY FN DOMINGUEZ PUT IT OUT THERE!” “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK, PUT IN YOUR WORK!”. It feels so good y’all!

Where does this negative self-talk come from? I got some pretty dreadful news for ya – it’s been building up in your head throughout your entire life. Through circumstances and experiences, family members and friends who have hurt you, who were also probably hurting at that time. But the good news? YOU CAN CHANGE IT ALLLLL!!! Your brain is like an interconnected web of highways. And those highways have been paved through your thoughts. Negative or positive. If those roads are working for you and getting you somewhere, they will keep being repaved each time you think that particular thought. However, if you let that thought go and build a new thought, the old road will eventually disintegrate and the new road will be paved. Your brain LITERALLY works like that. It can be rewired. SERIOUSLY! I recommend anyone who wants to learn more on how this works to get the book “Switch On Your Brain” by Dr. Caroline Leaf. I have the audio book and it really transformed my thoughts, understanding how powerful they are, and how much control I actually have.

This all sounds so great! Soooo what’s the catch? The catch is you have to believe your positive self-talk. Why is it that if we say to ourselves “I can’t do this” we believe it way more than if we said “I CAN do this!”. In my opinion, we’re afraid. It’s not because we’re afraid of failing – we do that every time we don’t keep our promises to ourselves, it’s normal for us – but it is because we are afraid of being great. Because then, we will have to step up to the plate and fulfill the prophecy of actually doing something that we think we can do.

I tried to use positive self-talk for YEARS!!!! I don’t even know how many years but maybe 29 YEARS??? (I’m 30). But when I would say “I’m fine, I am grateful, everything will be ok, I can do it,” I actually didn’t believe ANY of it! So trust me when I say, you have to mix belief with those positive roads you’re building.

“But how do I believe in myself?” you ask.

We believe in ourselves when we fulfill the promises we make with ourselves. When we tell ourselves we’re getting out of bed at 7am, no snooze, then we do it. Or say that we’re going to reach out to 10 people today for a project, then we reach out to 10 people. And, I get it, sometimes we run out of time. Life happens. We try our best and things just may not work out. Even if that does happen, we gotta love ourselves through that and believe tomorrow we will try our best again.

My best advice – take control of your script = take control of your life.

Don’t forget you are a human and you cannot completely eradicate judgement, gossip, and negative self-talk from your mind, but you can patrol those things and stop them in their tracks through practice, awareness, and application! And I guarantee cutting these out of your life will force you to LEVEL UP!

Level Up! With Shay